Running Out

I was just about to make a post about how awful practice was yesterday (Royal and Shannon started arguing about the set-up of the stage for some reason and it was really awkward) but Shannon just ran out of her room and our apartment carrying what looked like a knife. I'm going to run after her. Will update when I figure out what the hell is going on.

Tall Tales Taste Like Sour Grapes

Christ, I just keep on screwing things up lately. I tried to ask Shannon again about whatever she was looking at on the Internet and she just brushed me off again. I don't really like being dismissed, especially when the person dismissing me is also keeping something from me, so I got annoyed and told her that I'd seen the pictures I found in her hard drive. Shannon started shouting at me for snooping around her laptop, I started shouting at her about keeping things from me, especially when it looked like it was something that could aggravate her nightmares and then it just turned into this whole big thing and I don't want to go into detail on it but, sufficed to say, it ended with Shannon locking herself in her room and telling me she didn't want to talk to me.

And even though I'm so disappointed in myself for letting my own paranoia bother me to the point of snooping around someone else's property, as furious as I am at myself for making such a big mess, I'm even more frustrated that Shannon still wouldn't tell me what it was that she was looking at. Her jerk reaction was that it was study for a test but tests are over, so that was obviously a pre-prepared cover that she forgot to update. Ugh, I'm just so angry, which is just upsetting me more, because I don't usually get angry...

Fuck it. How did everything get fucked up so fast? I just wanted a nice Christmas. Now what do I have to look forward to? More practice with that asshat Royal Fucking Richardson. Fuck it anyway.

No Rest For The Wicked

So, it looks like I'm not going to be home for Christmas until Friday, with Royal's insistence that we keep practising as close as possible to the holidays. It sucks but, honestly, if I wasn't going to argue with him before, I sure as hell am not going to argue with him now. I punched him in the face. 'Nuff said.

At any rate, I'm looking forward to Christmas, even though I won't get to spend it with Shannon. She's spending Christmas up in Galway with her aunt because she can't afford to go back home. I'm starting to get really worried about her. I tried to ask her what was taking up all her time on the Internet earlier and she just sort of...shooed me away, like I was a fly or something. I tried not to worry about it too much, but curiousity and, admittedly, frustration got the better of me, so when she was gone out to pick up our dinner from the Indian, I tried checking her computer. The search history was erased but I'm computer-savvy enough to know that when you visit a website with images, the images get downloaded to your computer in a temporary folder, so I checked that and found a lot of pictures, mostly of this really tall guy in a suit who didn't seem to have a face. There were also pictures of books, some guy in a mask with a sword, some buildings, a bunch of creepy hand drawings...it all creeped me out anyway. I decided to close it all up before Shannon got back and try asking her about it again later but I never got the opportunity.

Well, I did, but after dinner, she just wanted to cuddle and I didn't want to ruin an otherwise nice moment with my paranoia. I'm still worried though. Shannon gets nightmares and I don't want her losing sleep over whatever horror stories she's been reading on the Internet. I'm convinced that's what she was doing because those pictures looked like they belonged to creepypasta from 4chan, though I'm not sure where the books fit in. I'm going to try and talk to her again tomorrow.

Anyway, it's getting late, so I'd better hit the hay. Gute nacht!

She's Got A Way About Her

Shannon came home yesterday to find me crying. She didn't say anything, she just took me in her arms and let me sob like the big weeping manchild that I am. When I stopped, she thanked me for trying to protect her from Royal and told me I didn't do anything wrong. She almost managed to convince me of that too, but I know the Commandments.

"Resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also."

Still, she comforted me and then suggested we take today off just for ourselves. It was a really nice day and Shannon taught me how to cook a frangipane. She really helped to reassure me about becoming another cast-off from Ballybeg...I really love her. She's everything I need in my life. She even took a break from her Internet binge today, though I can see it's been causing her some anxiety. I think I'm going to tell her to go indulge herself. It's the least I can do after all she's done for me. I'll just go play Fallout or something.

Au revoir, readers!

Blue Blood

Oh god, I'm such an idiot. Why did I do that!? Christ on a bike, I can't believe I just hit Royal. Fuck it anyway. And here I am, typing about it on my laptop when I haven't even cleaned the blood from my hands.

Okay, I went and cleaned them. It was a surprisingly calming exercise. I guess I should explain what happened. Royal decided that he wanted to start Act III today, which is the first act involving his character, Gregory. Gregory is this creepy but charming weirdo who just kind of comes out of nowhere and starts trying to charm Lucy. Well, sufficed to say, Royal got a bit too into his role and got a bit handsy with Shannon so I...flipped out a little and punched him in the face. When I realised what I'd done, I ran out of the hall and came home...

I feel so embarrassed. I'm not supposed to be violent. I spent my whole life trying not to become just another Ballybeg thug, another waste of society's time and energy. I'm supposed to be a Christian and I just punched someone in the face. Oh god, I probably humiliated Shannon too. Shit, I'm such a moron.

Crumbling In My Hands

Last night I had a dream where my teeth started disintegrating in my mouth, then the chips and pieces fell out into my hands. You know, I was always told dreams about teeth were one of the most common types but this is the first time in my entire life I've had one. Anyway, when they fell into my hands, they started falling apart and when I tried to tell my dad (I don't know why he was there), he started telling me to be careful or my skull would fall out, which, of course it did, and then I found myself holding my own skull and I woke up.

And just like that, it's time for me to go to practice again. This is the first play I've ever been in where I dread the prospect of going to practice and it's starting to get on my nerves. Shannon is still engaging in her Internet binge too, so I don't even have her for sympathy. Ugh, I hate to be whiney but I'm just plain tired and I need to rant about it somewhere. At least it's almost Christmas. At least there's that to look forward to.

Schedule Slip

Sorry for the unexplained absence but Christmas exams are in full swing and it doesn't help that Royal is pushing everyone really hard about this play. We've had practice every night this week for four hours, even though most of the group (including Royal himself) are students and need to study. How long can we realistically spend going over the incredibly boring first act over and over? If Royal wants any actors for his future productions, he should seriously consider scaling back because bad results = no more college. Anyway, I'm getting sick of doing an entire act where it's almost entire Shannon and I just eating a picnic for almost the whole thing. At least some of the later acts include some action scenes and a few genuinely creepy/gorey moments.

Speaking of Shannon, she's been acting kind of weird the past few days. Even though she should be studying, she's spending loads of time on the Internet, even though she almost never uses it. Usually, anyway. I asked her about it and she said she was doing research but how much research can she need to do? I dunno, I feel bad for this, but I feel like she's not telling me something.

Ugh, I need to go study more. So long, guys.