Friday, May 24, 2013

Adaptation

This is Royal Richardson. The real Royal Richardson.

All this crap you've been reading since December?

None of that happened.

Sufjan is still with the Church. He's been posting from there.

This is just sad. I can't believe any of you idiots actually fell for this.

None of the posts by "me" actually sound like me. Seriously, I have work in "the Aquitaine"? I have access to minions?

My only job is to kill people.

My only resources are my own talents and wealth.

My God, you're idiots.

This is just Sufjan playing out some sick fantasy where he breaks free and becomes the agent of God he always wanted to be. But it's not true. He's just finally gone the whole hog and cracked completely. It's kind of pathetic, actually.

Whatever. Go get your kicks somewhere else, kids. Sufjan has had his Internet privileges revoked. This blog is officially dead.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Joke's On Us

Sufjan has had Umbra and I running up and down the country chasing absurd number puzzles. The very last destination was the old theatre where he first tried to kill me. Umbra and I readied ourselves and entered cautiously, prepared for a fight.

Instead, we got a beam of wood to the head.

Alright, I get it.

It was all a big gag about how I made Sufjan flit around trying to solve codes and riddles and then hit him over the head with a brick when he reached the final piece of the puzzle. I totally get it. Hilarious.

What I don't get is why I woke up in a bath full of ice water with a bandage over my lower back.

In Sufjan's old apartment.

Where Sufjan no longer lives.

Despite my initial freakout about it, I did not in fact have a kidney removed. Really, I shouldn't have worried. I would have noticed if I was missing a freaking kidney.

On the other hand, it did take me three days to notice I have no nipples.

I still haven't found Umbra, nor have I figured out what Sufjan is doing, or thinks he is. I'd almost say he's up to nothing more than what his mind now considers fun if not for the obvious planning and thematic relevance of his actions. We'll see soon.